Words ought to be a little wild, for they are the assault of thoughts on the unthinking
- J.M. Keynes

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Eurozone summit: Behind the scenes

You've read the official press that European leaders delay key decisions. This is a gross injustice perpetrated by the Anglo-Saxon press. A key decision was made. It is the decision to meet again. Read the unbiased account of what actually happened (or not) behind the scenes at the summit.

Minutes of the meeting

- There was unanimity that a pleasant dinner should not be ruined by frivolous talk of crisis.
- Leaders congratulated themselves on reaching a unanimous decision (Note to press officer: Use "momentous", "historic" when describing this "solidarity").
- One leader thought the dinner was excellent and they should all do it again sometime soon.
- This proposal was also accepted unanimously (Note to press officer: Talk about how there are many points of agreement with only a few points where "agreement has not been reached").
- Another leader suggested June for the next festive occasion but stated that the expense to the taxpayer would have to be justified under the pretext of planning for closer fiscal co-ordination, european wide deposit guarantee and eurobonds.
- General laughter from North European leaders.
- Orders were issued for someone to write a report (Note to press offier: Replace "someone" with "heads of EU's main institutions").
- There was concern that such an ambitious announcement may lull everyone into a false sense of security.
- It was agreed that Herman Van Rompuy would temper expectations while talking to the press (Note to press officer: Use "Building blocks", "Rome wasn't built in a day", "Work in progress", etc in Van Rompuy's script).
- One leader wished to talk about the developing banking crisis and the possibility of bank runs.
- Clarification was sought whether he was talking about stronger supervision and resolution.
- On answering in the affirmative, he was immediately poured more wine to general chants of "Chug, chug, chug".
- The newly elected president of France and the unelected prime minister of Italy expressed a view that solution of the banking problem requires Germany and northern European states to offer a European wide deposit guarantee (Note to press officer: Change "Germany and nothern European" to "commonly backed").
- The leader of the state which almost went bankrupt guaranteeing its banks proposed that everyone should follow their lead.
- He further suggested that the new rescue fund should be used for this purpose to murmurs of agreement from southern European leaders.
- A glance from the German leader halted further conversation.
- Herman Van Rompuy broke the uneasy silence by volunteering to talk to the press on the discussion around banks. The master diplomat conciliated both sides by stating that it was clearly not a real discussion and more dinners will be needed in the upcoming weeks (Note to press officer: Replace "dinners" with "work").
- The subject of Greece was raised late into the evening.
- There was a general discussion on the best beaches in Greece and an academic discussion on how to see Greece on a shoestring.
- One leader wanted an in-depth discussion but was interrupted by the French president.
- Francois Hollande stated that it was very simple. 'Greece is an integral part of the Eurozone as long as it does what it is told and pays back the money. It is in the interests of French and German banks.' (Note to press officer: This requires major rework! Replace "French and German banks" with "Greece, Eurozone, World" at the very least).
- Francois Hollande then asked Germany and other Northern European states to fund his election promises.
- The remaining time was spent on amusing jokes such as the one where 10bn new capital into EIB saves the 9trn Eurozone economy.

(Hortatory note to press officer: Make the taxpayer proud of your skills while communicating this to the press otherwise you'll be transferred to the UK)

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